It's Us in a Corner. It's the only world we know. That is... Until We Open Our Hearts and Minds More

All of humanity resides in a spinning ball that floats in space; moving along an orbit, with 8 or 10 other planets that are in the process of aligning with one another. These aligning planets are also floating in space, spinning in a galaxy. And among this galaxy are infinite numbers of other spinning galaxies.

Really think on this.

The vastness of it all is astronomical beyond human comprehension.

... and yet, we place so much importance on the things placed before us... made by man: flawed, impermanent, and destructive.

We must re-consider all we hold close to ourselves. We must re-consider what we place importance on. We must re-consider all we were taught. We must re-consider all things we were conditioned to believe. We must re-consider all the things we are sure of. Because none of it is real. There is no truth in anything man has told us.

The only truth is what we know inside of our hearts. What we've known as children before we've learned to lie, before we've learned to be afraid and insecure.

We must consider this.

Facebook and Google

They will contribute to the demise of billions of people. These two net-organizations will be used by larger organizations to track people down and kill them.

Why do people feel the need to connect in this way, yet still remain individualistic and self-preserving.

I'm sure a long time ago, we were all connected to one another like people in Japan. Or ancient tribes. How has this changed?

As more and more people hurt one another, betray one another, lie to one another, steal from one another, and judge one another we separate ourselves from one another to protect ourselves. We can't even trust our leaders anymore.

We no longer trust one another because we've been hurt so much and taken advantage of by other people who are looking out for their own best interests.

And all people are still very lonely. Seeking love, friendship, affection, or an un-biased ear. There are people who desire solace in another. But it is no longer possible. The main parts of this world has become colder, wired, blue-toothed, apathetic, and deeper in delusional slumber: vain, materialistic, pursuers of power and control, voyeurs of conflict, lust, and violence, possessing a mania for oppression: to oppress or be oppressed; No one sees what's going on behind the television programs, the music they listen to, the fashion trends, all publications... no one sees, no one hears the humming and movement of the war machines and killing-rooms.

The girls fling their hair and judge one another; the men show off to one another all their devices and wallets... for the moment, it is alright.

However, when the moment comes to wake up... it will not be a gentle alarm. It will come as a fierce realization. By that time, it will already be too late. And all that had mattered once before, won't anymore.

Many people forgot IBM. Facebook, MySpace, Gmail, YouTube are kind of picking up the pace of IBM in the ways of tracking people and their movements.

Atari Teenage Riot predicted this. Why had I not heeded their warnings when I was in college? It all began with my first Yahoo account, then ICQ, then AOL, then, and then and then.... I'm everywhere. This is bad. It was not necessary to begin with. I never needed these applications and forms of communication when I was 7 years old. Granted, I didn't have any friends my age back then. My friends were my family members and their neighbors. I didn't really have to keep up with them because all contact were as per my mother's permission. Honestly, I was quite alright with that. I wish it had remained so.

I am dismissing what I no longer need in my life. My life has been intruded upon enough.

And no one has the right to my life, my body, nor my soul: whether it's to take, manipulate, claim ownership... not anything.

When I get married...

It better be during the lifetime of my favorite aunt Celia. Her presence at my wedding is mandatory. Speaking of 'mandatory'... Mom is giving me away. But Dad has to present me to my mom so that she can walk me down the isle to my groom. He has to kiss my forehead before giving me to my mom. 'Cos that's a Dad's gesture to his daughter. But before she presents me to my groom, he has to beat her in Mortal Kombat, walk a path of burning coal, and snatch a smooth stone from her hand without touching her skin.

My wedding day has to be be super-special and meaningful.


After Talking With My Mother...

She's magical and she's grounding. I can call her at any time and she never turns me away. Her advice is gentle and severe at the same time. Was she always like this? She's my 1-up mushroom and my invincibility-star. She's pixie-dust, the best chef, Onyx the Dragon, and Titania of Arcadia. I love her so.

My heart was broken down to molecules and dispersed about my messy apartment. But after talking with my mother, all of my missing pieces began gathering, re-connecting, and slowly returning to me. I feel a little better today and began cleaning last night... after, yet another, 3-hour marathon at my favorite Karaoke bar. (I've been going a lot more lately.)

En Vino Veritas.

It's typical of the centaur to engage in wines and literature.

My coach is Bacchus in a pirate costume.

So much wine.
My heart is broken, but I laughed.

So sleepy...

Re: Dreams.

A soul-daring, soul-bearing cat-person asked the very question that has plagued my mind all of last week:

"What is Love?"

I may have an answer.

He and I are on opposite sides of the spectrum, heart-wise-- He, in bliss; I, not so much.
What is Love?

The characteristics of Love are explained somewhere in the Bible's 'Song of Solomon', I think.

Perhaps more modern examples of Love's characteristics can be found in Hayao Miyazak's movies: "Spirited Away", "Howl's Moving Castle", and "Castle in the Sky", especially. I'm sure there are more. I've only seen three.

While the "Song of Solomon" is from an adult's perspective for adults, Miyazak's movies show Love through children who then teach it by example to adults. In "Howl's Moving Castle" there is even an adult who loves, but it becomes clear to her it is misguided and selfish. The audience is given an opportunity to learn the difference.

I believe as children, we've had a pure understanding of Love. Over time, as we became adults, we've slowly forgotten and our idea of Love had become vague or even lost. As we search for Love in ourselves and in each other, we're searching for the very thing we were sure of and secure in as children. So, if one were to go as deep and as far back as possible to one's child-self.. before infatuations, before sex, before the fire of selfishness, before learning to manipulate, before understanding what it truly meant to be vulnerable and without doubt or fear.. before, even, knowing God...

.. if one were to go back far enough, the answer might be found.

But then I might have misunderstood the question, as it could be that the protagonist I'm distantly responding to is wondering about his current state of bliss and how should he define it: 'Is it Love?'

You already know the answer, Kitten. While becoming adults we were taught to doubt and so we became irrational and guarded. Go back to your child-self. To your heart. *nods* Trust its motion completely.

There's a "Smashing Pumpkins" lyric related to this. It escaped me just now. ;(
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative

Getting Un-stuck.

Feeling better now after venting and sleeping.

Seeing my thoughts in text and reading them over and over again usually helps bring over-looked things into perspective.

Looking back at yesterday's post and taking a good look at my reaction towards what I've been holding on to has made me realize how I view myself. The saying, "If you don't love yourself, no one else will." came to mind and it is true.

I am a truly amazing person who was blessed with many extraordinary life-experiences; Some wonderful, some terrible... but all have surpassed my imagination to this very day. There are so many things I've done, created, and shared. Each day I continue to learn about and surprise myself. Yet this is while I'm single. It should be no different when I'm with someone. It's not necessary for me to go out of my way to convince someone of my awesomeness. It will shine through as I remain confident and true to myself.

The confidence will come from the love I have for myself, which is a blessing of love from the Cosmos and its creator. When I'm secure in this love, I would be able to clearly see: the awesomeness of my partner, his love for himself, the love from his creator, and potentially his love for me. The relationship would flow as it should without exerting too much energy, if none at all.

While in not loving myself, I would be blind to all of these things and be in constant distress... which would make him distressed, and thus destroy the relationship. Not loving myself would also make me blind to all the messed-up things because I'd be too busy proving my worth to him(??), blame myself for a lot of those messed-up things, and excusing them. While not loving myself... I would be stuck in a delusional mind-set: "I will make him love me!" as my intuition screams, "he doesn't love you! Let him go!" *sighs and shaking head* I would exert so much energy into maintaining the relationship, that I'd become exhausted and blame him for it. It would feel like fighting to swim upstream with a raft in one hand and hoping to stay gracefully afloat with him in it. And I would betray myself in many ways just to keep him, myself, and the relationship from sinking. THAT is unacceptable.

When you love yourself, you wouldn't feel you'd have to prove anything. To anyone. The person either sees and appreciates you, or doesn't. And if the person doesn't, *shrug* it's okay. Really. It's okay.

Looking back on last summer's relationship, it's clear to me I didn't love myself. And looking back on yesterday's entry, it appears to remain so.

Self-realization and self-love combined is the acetate that would get me un-stuck. For a moment I had lost the impact of David "TenchiJK" Pak's YouTube videos, since I applied them to a general view of myself and the maneuvering-about in society. The impact had returned to me this morning while looking at myself in the mirror: the wild ramen bed-hair, cozy pajamas, and my favorite stuffed monster. Acetate is strong stuff and the prying-off will hurt a bit, but it is necessary.

I'm extraordinary. I don't fully understand the depth of this statement, but I sometimes get a clue. It's okay some guy wasn't/isn't really into me. There's always someone else who will be. And after that one's gone, someone else would be until the right one comes along. In the meantime, I will explore and grasp the essence and meaning behind the first sentence of this paragraph.


I've given myself a headache.

Yet again.

Despite meeting someone nice 3 weeks ago, I'm anxious. Because I know how I am. The Cosmos know how I am. The whole ethereal Universe knows I wear my heart, not on my sleeve... It's my whole fucking outfit.

Why am I cursing?

Because I'm still sore from a relationship that had ended the moment it began last year in June. A relationship that had dragged on for 101 days because I could not just let it go. And why couldn't I let it go? Even now? Because *he never gave me a chance in the first place. And this whole time, even today, I just wanted a chance. To be wanted, to be seen, appreciated, and thought of. Instead, I had spent 101 days trying to prove my worth to someone who was not really into the relationship at all. Why am I still hanging on for a chance I'll never have? Why can't I just accept it?

Because I don't understand why: why wasn't he into me? Why did he contact me in the first place when he was still in love with his ex and having sexual fantasies about random caucasian girls? Why would someone do this? Why did I allow it? Why does this chance f-ing matter to me still?

No.. I don't want to understand because then there would be a way to justify our lame behaviors.

( *he = Don't get me wrong. He is a nice guy. He's just selfish, heart-wise. And very stubborn. This is part of why I thought I wasn't beautiful. Because I think of old-time stories of men so overwhelmed by a woman's beauty that he'd do anything to keep her happy and in his arms. I wasn't beautiful enough for him, nor enough for any of my now-exes. And it doesn't help that I find him beautiful when he, himself, didn't think he was beautiful. By being with him, I must have stroked his ego so much that he became more confident in himself and decided to cast me aside. But if I were insanely beautiful, he'd have a hard time letting me go and he... grrrr..... blah blah blah... VENTING. Since this is NYC, there are so many options for self-gratification at the expense of others. *groan* This is why I didn't go to CH. ;{

If I were talking to someone else in my shoes, I'd say:
"He was never yours to begin with. Let it go."
Or as my mom would say:
"Give him as much thought as he is giving you."

Why are relationships so difficult and so annoying? Since when has it become okay to play these games.... ???

... asked the hypocrite.

Yes. Hypocrite.

I've met someone recently, but I don't want to become overly-excited about it as the Cosmos knows me oh so well. He's Korean. Like, right off of the plane from Seoul, Korean. He's sweet, thoughtful, and was quite bold the way he initiated our meeting. Right now he's exploring Ecuador for two weeks. *sigh* I'm a hypocrite because my mind is on the zero right now and not the hero. He's not a hero; he's a winner... -ish... something.. I really don't know. I'm an idealist. And all things are amazing in the beginning for some people, whereas I wear rose-colored glasses with stars in my eyes the whole time. Thank God.

Jeez, I love like a child. Is that what drives men away?

My head hurts.

Thank you, Mommy ----,--'{@

My dearest and closest friends, the ones I chose to let in, describe me in wonderful ways: I am often called "Faerie", "Changeling", a "creature of light", "black swan", "Devi", and many other wonderful terms. And it has occurred to me that I am, in fact, quite mysterious to others who are either curious or annoyed by my peculiarities. Yes it does make dating difficult, but I make friends easily. I am indeed versatile, which makes it hard to focus on or stick to one task only. And I am quite old fashioned in my ways, though sometimes I find myself slipping into the ways of the world for short-cuts through loneliness and despair. When in short-cut mode, if I've been in too long, I begin to lose myself... forget myself... and then I become depressed. But just when I begin to shake of fear from oblivion, there is always someone or something to remind me and put me back on my path: Curtiss, Rachael, Axel, Logan, Adam, Dee-Dee & Celia, Dad, and my Goddess Mom.

How have I come to be? I ask myself all the time. I already know the answer and I know I have a lot of work to do. I'm just so very lazy, which is unfortunate. I often think of how my life would change if I would just buckle down and do what I'm suppose to do. I know I'd be much happier. And I know I'd make the world happier. I'm so bent on keeping to myself because it's safer, and I receive a lot less (unwanted) attention. Yet, in order for me to do what I am supposed to, attention of all kinds is necessary. So I must work on coming to terms with this.

What sticks out most from my early memories are: books, buckets of sugar, a loud firehouse toy, two large windows, yellow walls, fear, pain, happiness, and transcendentalism. I remember only the important resolutions I've made. I'm still the same person when I was younger. But now, only dumber. I believe I was a lot smarter, more grounded in my ways, than I am now. When I was younger, I was less likely to betray myself for anyone or anything. Because I knew at the end of the day I would come home to my mother's sanctuary, so that I can go into the sanctuary of my mind. School was my favorite sanctuary. The library and music rooms, especially. Had I known about the world I would eventually live in, if I had known the basics of survival, and if I had learned to appreciate myself in my earlier years I know I would have had the confidence and the will to lead a wholesome life.

But I believe things happened the way they needed to. Because it is not the duty of others to provide this. Because this is my journey, there are things I'm supposed to pick up on my own, with the help of others, if they choose to give. It is up to me to discover my beauty, to embrace myself, figure out how to survive, and how to get to where I'm supposed to be. I have to find the courage and strength within myself to wake up and be. I remember there was a point in time when the love of a man and acceptance from others were as important to me as grains of sand trapped between sidewalks. And I was happier. I try to remember what was important to me then. My thoughts often floated to Mom. Time and time again, my thoughts were always of my mother.

I believe my favorite time ever with her was a summer. I was working at the American Horse Shows Association and Mom was working for UBS, I think. I had just reached the peak of being, meaning I was quite secure with myself and Mom glowed so much. She was gamer and I was a skater. I enjoyed the mornings with 1010 WINS flooding the apartment, both of us ignoring the loser in the other room. We danced around each other in the midst of our morning rituals. Mom always looked beautiful in her work-clothes, while I only cared about the best pants to wear for comfortable skating. We'd have shakes for breakfast, then dash out of the door. I remember her fast-paced walking, a workout in itself, and me on my skateboard beside her keeping pace. I would either get on the train with her or I would skate back to the park to warm up before starting the day. Each night I came home, Mom would be adventuring on the computer. I would tell her about my day to one ear while she was in the midst of her campaign. I didn't mind. That summer, we laughed so much. And I opened up to her in ways I've wanted to ever since I was little. My Mom was my best friend. I felt no fear in her presence. Only the respect I've felt towards her ever since I was little. And I believe it was the first time she had the opportunity to get to know me as a person, not just her daughter. The curfew rule was the awesome-est rule any parent could ever think of, as it allowed me the time to experience as much as I can in a whole day without worrying her. I've learned a lot about myself and I felt myself becoming stronger and stronger and more grounded. There were dark times, of course. Very dark times. But they were because of the stupid meds the school convinced me to take, which I later learned I was a test-subject for and institutions are paid by companies to do this. That's a whole other story.

Just when I thought I was sure of myself and my lessons set in stone, the winds of change blew hard and tossed everything I knew into upheaval. It was up to me to decide what to do next. So little by little, I had to find my strength and my courage again. I had to find myself again. I picked up the little pieces of myself that were scattered around and rebuild. The pieces were bound with cheap glue, which was necessary at the time. I've had amazing successes and terrible failures. I try not to be too hard on myself, nor celebrate too much. I've let myself down too much and messed up many wonderful situations because I become afraid. The fear also makes me blind to the wonderful things before me.

The fear came from not having a stable ground to rest my feet on. Suddenly I realized/remembered: I was a skater at one time. The deck was not stable, either, and I was afraid sometimes while standing on it. While on the wobbly deck I was able to get from point 'a' to point 'b' at awesome speeds. And I've often felt comfortable, almost day-dreaming through the ride. So there have been times, as I continue to pick up the pieces, that I am able to maintain stability while on wobbly ground. As long as I remember where I am. My thoughts often float back to the point in time where Mom got to know me and learn about me, and I her. That she learned to trust me. I think I was in her arms once around that time too. :)

I have to get ready to go out.

Mom, if you're reading this: Thanks!!! I love you!!! <3 <3<3

How did I become such a strange magnet all of a sudden????


I'll admit: there is a level of uncertainty within me regarding relationships. To be, or not to be in one.

I've still been fiercely aching over Dennis' absence and believing there is no such thing as true love because everyone else after him are all about playing games and being lazy. Then I found the ache over Dennis' absence waning as a sad realization dawned on me: his love for me was not perfect. His absence is a result of his selfishness. But still I find myself crying at night, "Dennis, come home. I need you. Please come home." I'm alone when I wake up every morning.. save the presence of my favorite and loyal stuffed-companion, Monster. But he's too small to hold me. And he can't tell me he loves me because his mouth is a roll of felt sewn to his face.

Loneliness is a terrible pain in my heart. It feels like I walk around with a sword sticking out of my chest, piercing me. It's difficult to sleep, to wake up, to get dressed, to eat, move around, maneuvering through social circles without getting too close, moving through crowds of people without getting too close, wanting to meet people without getting too close. The pain I feel from people shoves the blade in deeper. Its ridiculous. And it's sad.

I wrote a letter, a hand-written letter to my ex in Texas (long story). I didn't hear back from him. Not a thank you via text nor email. I still talk to him because I'm a foolish idealist. He makes no effort, so he has no worth. And he's something to hold onto because I don't have much else, outside of stuffed purple arms with yellow felt claws.

My heart aches and wants to receive, but will not open because it knows where it is: NYC, USA. I'd rather live in a castle in the mountains away from the rest of the world with my husband and children. *sigh* I'm such an idealist.

Oh, but the point of this post:
How have I become a magnet for married men? I hardly look at men when I commute. My face is usually in a book. But men bump into me, they smile at me, then they begin chatting with me with an intent to get closer. I notice their ring and I become even more disgusted. I see their child and I feel betrayed. There are other instances of this that are too low for me to mention. What is is about me that is attracting this? I'm clearly standoff-ish. People are weird. And that's fine with me. I don't want to understand them. I just want to be away from them. All of them.

But still.
I want to be in love.
To love and be loved. While I'm still young.
While I'm still able.

Just. Not here.